*insert something witty here*

Hi guys,

I was right in thinking that I'd have more time to blog now that clinic is done. Unfortunately, I don't seem to have anything to say. :) I figured it was about time to dust off the keyboard, though, so here I am.

My break hasn't really sunk in yet. I've been trying to get up in the mornings and go into the lab for a couple hours, as well as to work on my prospectus. I've had some success with this, but am by no means perfect. :) There have also been a bunch of little things that have popped up - family visiting, errands to run, phone calls to make... y'know, the stuff that just eats up time.

I suppose the most salient thing that's happened recently is that Jason (who was previously called Robert in this blog, but will now be referred to by his real name) and I hit a bump in the road. The kind of bump that forces the road to fork: find a middle ground or end things. After a really tough couple days where I'm not sure either one of us felt like we were being heard and miscommunications abounded (something that's unusual for the two us), we managed to actually hear what the other was saying, and to start working our way forward. It was a terrifying experience, to be honest. I love Jason very much, and facing the fact that just loving him might not be enough to hold our relationship together was an incredibly difficult experience. However, some long, tough conversations and some hard work later, we're back on track, planning a future together.

The whole situation with Jason forced me into a place where I had to evaluate some of my religious beliefs in order to determine why I believed them. Growing up in a Christian community means that I take a lot of things 'on faith,' and don't really investigate them for myself. Sorting out what I believe and why was challenging, and it brought me face to face with the fact that there are a lot of issues where there are just no black and white answers. I happen to like black and white answers. I might not like what they entail, but at least I always know where things stand. It was frightening for me to realize that I had to reason my through my beliefs, using whatever biblical guidance was available, but ultimately make up my own mind. I'm not convinced that I fully understand my own beliefs at this point, but I'm certainly farther along than I've ever been before. What I still hold to be one of the main pillars of my beliefs is the necessity of 'keeping people.' This entails making sure that you are doing what is best for those around you, and not just for yourself.

Keeping people can be easy at times. When things are good, when you're all headed in the same direction, it's easy to think about those you're close to. But when you start struggling, when you're heading down different paths, it becomes so, so easy to accidentally hurt someone. I realize that I'm a spoilt, self-centred woman in many ways, and I am very, very good at inadvertently hurting those around me. I believe that God is using the past couple weeks as a lesson to me about how thoughtlessness can cause a lot of pain to the people that I care about. I think those actions are some of the hardest for me to step up and take ownership of... I feel that, since it was accidental, I should be 'off the hook.' That might be nice, but it's sure not going to resolve anything. I'm learning that I'm responsible for what I do - intentional or accidental. And that therefore, I need to be more thoughtful of those around me. Growth like this isn't necessarily easy, or fun, but I like who I am when I'm growing. It's good to know that I won't keep making the same mistakes over and over, and that I'm capable of moving beyond this. Just give me time!

And that's it for now... I'm meeting Al for lunch, then dropping some stuff off at Jason's work, then hanging out with Michael. Busy busy!!

Love,
ela