Ela's Soapbox Presents: The Language of Touch
Way back on July 4 I wrote a post about touch in today's society. I promised another post regarding the language of touch... and here it is.
The Language of Touch
It's becoming common knowledge that our spoken words convey only 7% of the message that we communicate when we're talking to someone in person. The other 93% of the information is conveyed through our posture, body language, and tone of voice. It's why communicating via email or instant messaging is so fraught with danger - you're missing out on a LOT of information, and misunderstandings are rampant.
Clearly, humans do a lot of non-verbal communicating. Usually we think of tone of voice and body language as examples. I believe that a third category, or perhaps a subcategory of body language, is touch. As in, touching others. The most obvious examples of this are mothers with young children (you can tell just by how they hold their infants how much they love them) and people in dating relationships (everyone recognizes that little kiss on the forehead as the universal symbol for "I have tender feelings for you"). What's unfortunate is that communicating through touch seems to be limited to these two areas.
With regards to mothers and children, this is an area that's changing. It's much more common today to see men being physically affectionate with their young children. I think that this is fantastic. Our physical dads automatically create ideas within us about what our heavenly father is like - and I am utterly convinced that God wants to hug us. :) What's sad is that physical touch within many families (not all, I know) tends to become vastly reduced as the children reach puberty. I think that this is a set-up for disaster: teens no longer have any of their touch needs met at home, touch isn't encouraged in platonic relationships, so they seek it out in romantic relationships. What if we continued to tell our children that we loved them via touch even after they hit adolescence? What changes could that trigger?
And of course we 'tell' our significant others that we love them through touch all the time. The aforementioned kiss on the forehead, holding hands, frequent hugs. My question: why are these things limited to romantic relationships? What's wrong with pulling an "Anne of Green Gables" and walking hand-in-hand with a friend? (Ok, homophobic men - I know what you're thinking. But how about man-hugs? [You know - where you stand two feet apart and sort of awkwardly pat each others shoulders.] Or a gentle punch in the shoulder?? *grin* Or even just an old-school handshake?)
I can hear voices yelling at me "why do we need to use touch? I tell my friends and family that they matter to me by using words!" Please don't misunderstand me: words are important. I'm a speechie, after all! It's just that words don't need to be advocated for - people use those quite a bit. :) The problem with never using touch with people who aren't children or your significant other is that you lose the habit of it. The less you touch them, the more awkward it becomes to do so later on. This is fine while things are good, while words are adequate for the situations you're in. But what happens when things are in a worse place?
What do you say to someone who has lost someone whom they love? What words do you offer to a person struggling with mental illness? What do you tell your friend whose life is falling apart? I don't know about all of you, but when I'm upset, the last thing that I want is a string of meaningless platitudes: "It's alright, everything will be Ok, it'll all work out...." Sure, maybe everything will work out - but RIGHT NOW it sucks. RIGHT NOW I'm sad, and I'm hurting. I want you to be here with me RIGHT NOW, not in the future when everything's hypothetically all better (God forbid it not get better - then what would we do??). You see where I'm heading, right?
When your friend needs you RIGHT NOW and there are no words to offer to her, you can hold her hand, hug her, hold her while she weeps. Touch lets you communicate that you love her, support her, care for her, and will help to bear her burdens. All of that without having to whisper one pointless statement about how everything will be so much better later on. And it is so much easier to provide this kind of touch when you've been practicing it all along. You can communicate other things through touch, too: support, contentment, joy. It's a whole 'nother language!
While I've been very pro-touch in this little diatribe, I do want to offer up a word of caution. Touch is a language that we all speak, but we all speak different 'dialects.' What's just a hug to me ("I like hanging out with you, my friend") might be a message of "I'd like you to ask me out on a date" to a certain man. Standing close to a friend to show support might be interpreted as you being overbearing and pushy. Touch is a language that is deeply emotional, so miscommunications have the potential to be especially damaging. Using verbal support can help keep you 'speaking clearly' in touch. (E.g., "I'm a hugger - I hug ALL of my friends!") The other thing you should use your words for is 'checking.' Y'know - making sure the person you're touching is Ok with it. Some people are just NOT touchers, and you're just going to make them grumpy if you're all over them. Checking is a good idea: "Hey, I'm a hugger. I hug all of my friends, usually - is it Ok if I hug you??"
Provided that scaffold your touch with words, I think that you can share deeper, more emotionally charged messages with your friends and family if you speak to them via touch. Go ahead - reach out and touch someone. ;)
Love,
Elizabeth
It's becoming common knowledge that our spoken words convey only 7% of the message that we communicate when we're talking to someone in person. The other 93% of the information is conveyed through our posture, body language, and tone of voice. It's why communicating via email or instant messaging is so fraught with danger - you're missing out on a LOT of information, and misunderstandings are rampant.
Clearly, humans do a lot of non-verbal communicating. Usually we think of tone of voice and body language as examples. I believe that a third category, or perhaps a subcategory of body language, is touch. As in, touching others. The most obvious examples of this are mothers with young children (you can tell just by how they hold their infants how much they love them) and people in dating relationships (everyone recognizes that little kiss on the forehead as the universal symbol for "I have tender feelings for you"). What's unfortunate is that communicating through touch seems to be limited to these two areas.
With regards to mothers and children, this is an area that's changing. It's much more common today to see men being physically affectionate with their young children. I think that this is fantastic. Our physical dads automatically create ideas within us about what our heavenly father is like - and I am utterly convinced that God wants to hug us. :) What's sad is that physical touch within many families (not all, I know) tends to become vastly reduced as the children reach puberty. I think that this is a set-up for disaster: teens no longer have any of their touch needs met at home, touch isn't encouraged in platonic relationships, so they seek it out in romantic relationships. What if we continued to tell our children that we loved them via touch even after they hit adolescence? What changes could that trigger?
And of course we 'tell' our significant others that we love them through touch all the time. The aforementioned kiss on the forehead, holding hands, frequent hugs. My question: why are these things limited to romantic relationships? What's wrong with pulling an "Anne of Green Gables" and walking hand-in-hand with a friend? (Ok, homophobic men - I know what you're thinking. But how about man-hugs? [You know - where you stand two feet apart and sort of awkwardly pat each others shoulders.] Or a gentle punch in the shoulder?? *grin* Or even just an old-school handshake?)
I can hear voices yelling at me "why do we need to use touch? I tell my friends and family that they matter to me by using words!" Please don't misunderstand me: words are important. I'm a speechie, after all! It's just that words don't need to be advocated for - people use those quite a bit. :) The problem with never using touch with people who aren't children or your significant other is that you lose the habit of it. The less you touch them, the more awkward it becomes to do so later on. This is fine while things are good, while words are adequate for the situations you're in. But what happens when things are in a worse place?
What do you say to someone who has lost someone whom they love? What words do you offer to a person struggling with mental illness? What do you tell your friend whose life is falling apart? I don't know about all of you, but when I'm upset, the last thing that I want is a string of meaningless platitudes: "It's alright, everything will be Ok, it'll all work out...." Sure, maybe everything will work out - but RIGHT NOW it sucks. RIGHT NOW I'm sad, and I'm hurting. I want you to be here with me RIGHT NOW, not in the future when everything's hypothetically all better (God forbid it not get better - then what would we do??). You see where I'm heading, right?
When your friend needs you RIGHT NOW and there are no words to offer to her, you can hold her hand, hug her, hold her while she weeps. Touch lets you communicate that you love her, support her, care for her, and will help to bear her burdens. All of that without having to whisper one pointless statement about how everything will be so much better later on. And it is so much easier to provide this kind of touch when you've been practicing it all along. You can communicate other things through touch, too: support, contentment, joy. It's a whole 'nother language!
While I've been very pro-touch in this little diatribe, I do want to offer up a word of caution. Touch is a language that we all speak, but we all speak different 'dialects.' What's just a hug to me ("I like hanging out with you, my friend") might be a message of "I'd like you to ask me out on a date" to a certain man. Standing close to a friend to show support might be interpreted as you being overbearing and pushy. Touch is a language that is deeply emotional, so miscommunications have the potential to be especially damaging. Using verbal support can help keep you 'speaking clearly' in touch. (E.g., "I'm a hugger - I hug ALL of my friends!") The other thing you should use your words for is 'checking.' Y'know - making sure the person you're touching is Ok with it. Some people are just NOT touchers, and you're just going to make them grumpy if you're all over them. Checking is a good idea: "Hey, I'm a hugger. I hug all of my friends, usually - is it Ok if I hug you??"
Provided that scaffold your touch with words, I think that you can share deeper, more emotionally charged messages with your friends and family if you speak to them via touch. Go ahead - reach out and touch someone. ;)
Love,
Elizabeth
Labels: Soapbox
posted by Elizabeth @ 13:06
1 Comments:
At 4:18 p.m.,
Karlie said…
I respond very strongly to touch, and need it in my life a lot. However, I also do NOT like to be touched by people I don't know well. I am very uneasy even giving goodbye hugs to my best friends, and I don't know why! I always put a lot of emotion into it because I know it makes them feel good, but it always makes me slightly uncomfortable. Weird!
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